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Endless_Discovery
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Name: Riko
Birthday: 11/18/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: music, exploring, driving, internet, ninja, anime, japan, egypt, church, camp, traveling, meeting new people, friends, family, randomness, exploring, stargazing, downloading, burning cds, band, school, life, writing, acting, singing *teague*
Expertise: doodling, cooking(?), acting, singing
Occupation: student
Message: message me
AIM:  midn1ght eve
Yahoo:  towa_no_rakuen@yahoo.com
Member Since:
1/7/2006
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| I wonder what's happened to me. Once he leaves, I do nothing. I need friends. I need to call people.
I feel a bit alone now. I mean, I have no one that reads my entries, but then again, I don't write much in here, and I haven't even written much in my hand-written journal, either, even though I want to. ...well, I take that back about the not-reading thing. People just don't come looking to read my entries--if they're told about updates, then maybe they will. They won't just come to read, though. Although, I'm not consistent with my updates, so I suppose it makes sense...
So hopefully I'll get my Livejournal password back, and I'll be able to post there again. I really want those entries... But I'll stop being friends with people, since they all deleted me off of theirs. ...well, Olivia deleted me. And Joey, well, yeah. He and Olivia are close friends, and only read each other's entries. Whereas me... I don't even share my entries with anyone, and I'm afraid I'll get in trouble if I write everything online, so I have to write the "bad things" in my hand-written journal.
I'm so happy Caitlin told me her Livejournal account. I really am. =]
A part of me wishes I could always stay with him, but another part of me says no. Sometimes it's so very difficult to say those words "I love you"...
What am I doing? I'm so weird.
I started reading my Bible again. Well... sort of. I haven't read every day, but oh well. Oh, but this reminds me, in the bulletin at church, they said something about "four metaphors to..." and what-not, but... the four "metaphors" weren't metaphors, they were similes. I had the urge to correct them aloud, or at least to Mike himself, but I know he's not afraid to mention it next Sunday in his sermon, so... I didn't. I don't want him to talk about me, or say how I'm such a perfectionist.
Have no idea what to do, and am tempted to sleep, but can't seem to do so. What's wrong with me?
I'm talking to Caitlin. She wants to buy video games... I wish I could, but yeah. Money, and then my life would be wasted away. At least, I'd feel that way. So unproductive...
Joey is staying with Hilary tonight at her grandparents' house in Temple. He left for orientation for UT Austin, but it's not until tomorrow, so yeah. I don't know why, but it still bothers me. Hilary said she wasn't mad anymore (I thought she was just upset, but I guess she was mad) after she got back from her church retreat. Well, that's what she told Joey. Maybe she just told him that to--no, I'm sure she was honest, but I'm also sure she isn't completely over it. Just not "mad" anymore. I was mean about it though when I told Caitlin a while back. I said something mean.
I can't help but wonder if he and I will still be together when we go to college. We're going to different colleges... And he says I keep him from the things he enjoys to do. I didn't know I was doing that. How am I doing that? It's not my fault. Maybe I'm just saying that though to make myself feel better... But I was always able to keep doing the things I love, so I don't understand how I'm keeping him from it. This was why we broke up last time...
If we don't stay together when we leave for college, then I really don't want to speak to him for a while. I can't tell him this yet, because he doesn't even want to talk about college in general. When we decide--or when he decides--where our relationship will go once college starts, that's when I'll tell him.
Anyways... I'm very worried about college. I don't know if I'll be ready for theatre. I'm not sure. I don't have my monologues memorized anymore. I'm going to use the same ones though. I just can't find others--a part of me is too lazy to, and another part of me just doesn't think I can. I mean... I don't know where to find them. I'm not very oriented with a variety of plays...
Well, this is enough, I believe. I wrote quite a bit...
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| Okay well... today was a lot of fun. I got up around 10:30 A.M., and then went to Joey's around twelve-thirty. I hung out there for a while... although half the time I was sleeping. I was really tired...
I went to amt guard. That was so much fun. Hilary was there... I wanted so bad to talk to her, but I wasn't sure if it would be weird, or if she would dislike me for trying to befriend her. I just didn't know! But then her and Cara started to leave, and we were doing this circle fighting thing (which, by the way, I never had to fight Hilary. That made me happy.)
I'll write later. Joey's here. | | |
| Huh... Well, I guess I can't change my font when on this computer. Oh well...
I'm having a lot of trouble [lately]. It's awful, and Caitlin left today, which is terrible. I wish she didn't have orientation now.. Of all the times for her to leave, it had to be now.
Anyways. Here's lyrics from Paramore's song "Pressure".
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Tell me where our time went
And if it was time well spent
Just don't let me fall asleep
Feeling empty again
'Cause I fear I might break
And I fear I can't take it
Tonight I'll lie awake, feeling empty
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
Now that I'm losing hope
And there's nothing else to show
For all of the days that we spent
Carried away from home
Some things I'll never know
And I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone, feeling empty
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
Some things I'll never know, and I had to let them go
Some things I'll never know, and I had to let them go
I'm sitting all alone, feeling empty
I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
Feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
You're better off without me
---
Anyways... yeah. I keep trying to hold on, but it's not working. The more I look at it, the more I see. I don't want to see, yet I do.
I just don't know anymore... I think I know what I have to do, but I'm afraid of what may happen, or what will happen. | | |
| Hard mornings are tiring, aren't they?
But I joyfully continue on with life, even when I stumble
Let's set out and chase after our distant dreams
I'll understand no matter how far apart we are
The half-forgotten sweet summer day
How many days have passed since then?
The smiling face I loved
Spending the days nearby for a while
Ahh, for the days I can't ever return to
I'm quietly making a wish
To the kind person who is far away from me
The gentle waves that lap against you will carry you away
Anything and everything
All gone along with my memories
Along with my brilliant dreams, like that day
The half-forgotten sweet summer day
One day, it'll return to our hearts
I felt we could be more mature
Able to choose each our own path
Ahh, for the days I can't ever return to
I'm quietly making a wish
The summer you were gone remains too vivid
Your voice, your quirks, they wrap around me
It's okay, even if I can't put it to words
The fading sunset mixes with my heart
Ahh, for the days I can't ever return to
I'm quietly making a wish
Ahh, for the days I can't ever return to
I'm quietly making a wish
--Kimi ga inai natsu
I like this song at the moment.
I'm leaving for New York early tomorrow morning, although I'm upset at the moment, so it's ruining the excitement I should be feeling.
I hope to hang out with Caitlin once I get back. She's always listening to me ramble, and lets me trouble her with my selfishness. I'm really thankful to her for always being with me, and continuing to be my friend... I'm really happy that I'm going to be able to room with her in college.
So I can't write any more. I just can't. I'll be packing my journal with me when I go to New York. Hopefully I'll have time to write, so then I'll have precious memories to hold on to.
Anyways, goodnight.
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| ...another entry.
I don't know if you will be reading this, but... I miss you too. I miss you so much, I can't bear it. You're always coming into my mind. I'm so selfish to want you to move on quickly, so that I can cry and cry for days, then just force myself to forget about you.
When you came to English today, and Hilary was there, my mind just wandered to how you should be with her, happy. I don't know... I kept thinking, maybe if I talked to her, and told her to just reach out to you as a friend, and be there for you when you're sad... Maybe you two could grow close then. I just felt so alone... It was dreadful.
Now look, I'm tearing up... darn it. I've been trying so hard not to cry. I've been going through the motions of life for so long it seems, yet it's only been a few days... Maybe I've been going through the motions much longer, except now it's even more emotionless than before, since I have more I wish to block out.
I felt like I was in ninth grade again, I think, because I was pushing down all the feelings I had. It's a terrible habit that I can't seem to get out of... Whenever I'm hurting, I just stop everything. My world is covered in a haze...
For some reason...
I want to be with you, too. I don't know if what we're doing is right... My mind keeps telling me it's right, but my heart just pushing me to hold you. It's falling apart... Everything seems to be falling apart. I never realized just how much I depended on you and... needed you. I took you being with me for granted, and now I don't know if I'll ever have that again. It's a scary thought.. but I know I'll be okay. I don't know how long it will be... But I'll be okay, and so will you. I know it.
I so wish I could be with you now. Watch you as you fall asleep, or have you at my bedside as I fall asleep. Or maybe just laying beside you... All of those moments are so simple, yet so heart-warming and precious.
Man... I really wish I knew if you read this or not, and if you logged in when you read it or not, so I knew whether or not to make this protected. I feel so foolish writing this as if it's to you... Since I don't even know if you're going to read it.
Last night I had a dream that I could fly like Peter Pan. I was flying in the elementary school I went to... And then I was flying outside, and everything, and kids were asking me how I was doing it. It was so much fun. I met a girl that was deaf...or was it blind? I don't quite remember... Something happened, and then I woke up.
Anyways... Thank you so much for the CD... Although it breaks my heart, bringing me back to reality... Thank you. I miss you so much... I wish I could be with you now, although I know I can't be.
Thank you for trying so very hard to be strong for me... What I'm doing... It just shows how weak I really am. I've just been running away from the pain. At least in ninth grade I didn't do that so much... I broke down crying in the hall once, I remember. ...I want to cry so much, but I can't right now. I just want to talk to you... I kept calling you today, though...
Well... goodnight...
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